Tumblr can be for happy things, yes. This I’ve recently come to realize over the last few months due to my increased time spent searching for attractive pictures of hot men on tumblr *coughPATRICKJADAMSANDGABRIELMACHTcough*

In any case, as college draws frighteningly closER (notice, I’m not saying close, because I will probably take back those words next August), I’m realizing how much I’ll miss here. Friends, obviously/of course, because they’re literally everything to me. If you’re one of the people who means the world to me, you know it, and I sincerely thank you for existing in my life and making my days brighter. But as much as I won’t miss home, I will miss my little brother. He’s growing up so fast, it didn’t really hit me until yesterday that he’s in middle school now. Awkward years, GO! No more cuteness, just awkward pre-teen growth spurt years. We’ve never really been close or anything. Even now, I don’t know too much about him. But he’s started appreciating music and that’s definitely brought us closer. We can talk about shit now, which is kind of nice, and I don’t dread being home alone with him anymore. It’s nice, we have fun together now. Like, if I had a car and could drive, I would consider taking him out to hang out or something.

Yesterday, though, I handed something down to him for the first time. I’ve never handed something down to him or anyone really, and I’ve always really really wanted to know what it’s like. Sounds pathetic, I know. He’s in geometry now and when I was in geometry (SIX YEARS AGO) I had to make flash cards for every single vocab term, definition, theorem, and fucking everything worth memorizing. In the end, I had 743 flash cards over two gigantic flash card rings that I studied before the finals, and then never looked at. But like the packrat that i am, I kept them in the filing cabinet next to my desk.

…

Not even in like a box in the attic somewhere out of memory and easy access, these two flash card rings have been sitting in my clear plastic cabinet thing next to my desk for the last SIX YEARS. What is wrong with me?

Anyway, so I handed them off to him, and he looked through them… the first thing he said was: “Wow, I have to show this to my friends and teacher. They’ll wonder how on earth I got EVERY SINGLE FLASHCARD for the year done and I’ll be like ‘My sister is awesome and gave her’s to me!’. Thanks, Akka!” And like the pathetic and emotional kid I am, I got all sentimental and teary-eyed. I’d never really felt like he appreciates my existence, but for one fleeting moment I did. Ja. So I gave my lil’ bro bro something useful and now I feel like an accomplished sister. Or something.

On a very very very very unrelated note, fanfic is too wonderful for this world and just like Eames repeatedly professes he does not deserve the wonderful tiramisu cake Arthur makes for him, I do not deserve to read such fantastic fanfic. This was just absolutely wonderful. I love Inception, JGL, Tom Hardy, Arthur, and Eames (yes, actors and characters they play are separate entities), so all of it mashed together results in this: http://archiveofourown.org/works/135867

It’s been a while since I last ranted to the interwebs, so I guess I’m just going to go at it again.

Hi, I enjoy being told I’m insignificant and stupid. Thanks, parents. If they said things like that jokingly, I wouldn’t care. I’m not one to take things to heart, usually. But I do, quite astutely, pick up on tone - what he said was definitely not a joke.

Aren’t parents supposed to be supportive? Pretty sure that’s rule #1 of parenting. In any case, mine broke all the rules on day one so I’m pretty fucked up.

Aside from them being serious about deeming me as insignificant, unsuccessful, and stupid, I’m starting to think I am. I guess I’ve always known that I’m not that intelligent, and now that I have to start proving my characteristics with numerical data and triumphs over other people at competitions… I literally have nothing to show. My (decent-ish) logic means absolutely nothing if I can’t look good on paper, which my recent rejection to an internship I’ve wanted to apply to for three years brought into perspective.

I could blame my lack of motivation, perseverance, intelligence on my parents, but that’s just one more thing that ties me back to them. Don’t want that or need it in any way.

Our life is composed greatly from dreams, from the unconscious, and they must be brought into connection with action. They must be woven together.

- Anais Nin

On both parts, this applies. I have dreams…that I was told to have by my parents?…but I don’t have the mental strength to know I’m capable of achieving those dreams, nor do I even have the capability to achieve those dreams, who am I kidding. On the other hand, my parents don’t have the decency or diligence to support me and follow through with the actions of making me the robot they want me to be. Sorry you were bad at raising me, guess you realized your mistake and figured out how to control my brother.

At this rate, even if I do leave for college, I won’t be going anywhere far/prestigious. Who would want me? I’m just an insignificant waste of oxygen in the house, let alone the world.

PSAT scores came out today. I got 216. 99th percentile. Most probably qualified for National Merit.

But guess what? Our family knows someone who got a 240! Wow! Look at him, he got a 100%, didn’t miss a single question (which by the way he did - you can miss a question on reading and writing and still get 80s in them), he’s so smart…wait…why can you not get a 240? Why can’t you get 100%? Why are you so stupid?

Isn’t there something somewhere that says you should look at what you have and not what you don’t have?

Well, all my parents looked at were the questions I missed, the number of points I didn’t get in each section and all the people who did better than me.

“You missed a golden opportunity,” says the paternal figure. A golden opportunity?! Seriously?! Nobody looks at these scores. The only thing that counts is if you get higher than a certain score, and after that it doesn’t matter if you got exactly that number or the full goddamned score - it only matters that you got in that range. I won’t be so arrogant as to say I’m guaranteed the scholarship, but I can with confidence say that I am qualified to apply for it.

It just makes me angry that they say my standards are too low. Sure I improved a little bit from last year, but what does it matter if I didn’t get a 100%? Anything less than that is apparently just not good enough for anything.

So I guess I’m sorry, parents - sorry that I’m not him, sorry that I’m not as smart as you want me to be, sorry that I don’t give in to every little thing you want, sorry that I have my own instincts at times, sorry that I have feelings, sorry that I have reactions to what you say to me, and mostly I’m sorry that you’re stuck with me as your inadequate child whom you can never be proud of.

So today my parents yelled at me for something completely trivial and incorrect, yet again. I’m going to try and see how this works out - telling the interwebs my problems and assuming that someone somewhere cares because I know my friends don’t.

Essentially, the context of the situation is my friend, whom we’ll dub as “D” because I won’t mention their name, offered to give me a ride to symphony orchestra rehearsals in the morning because my house is on D’s way to school. It’s a simple act of kindness, right? However my parents are completely against me being driven by my friends, because a) however passively they try to get around it, the essence is the same - they don’t trust me and b) since they don’t trust me, they don’t trust my friends.

My dad usually drives me to school, but recently he’s started to have to take my brother as well. Because he doesn’t like making multiple trips, he waits for my brother to get ready to leave. This makes ME late to school, which ends in me being yelled at first thing in the morning, which does wonders for the rest of the day, as everyone knows. So i thought, okay, I’ll ask my dad if D can take me to school in the morning so that I can be on time.

This turned into my dad asking my mom if I could get the ride, because my dad can’t stand up for himself and just submits to whatever the hell my mom says. Which then, they brought up a completely irrelevant example towards my “irresponsibility”. Apparently I have no respect for what happens in the house, I have zero responsibility, and I am dishonest.

If they respected me, my attempts at respect would show through. I absolutely am responsible, how the hell else would I maintain straight A’s in my honors and AP classes (which, by the way, is the ONLY measure of a persons capability, according to my parental unit)? I am never dishonest, I tell them what I know and if things change and I remember later, I let them know. But generally in between the change and me letting them know is them finding out some other way and then yelling at me for being dishonest.

The example they pulled up is of an incident that recently occurred. D, Q, R and I decided to go see Easy A one day at school. We didn’t have school the next day so we decided to go to the movie that night. R and I had been talking about seeing the movie since before the trailers even showed on TV, D and Q had already seen it, but we decided to bring them along just because we’re all friends. So i get to the theater, R is there. D and Q are on the way. When they get to the theater, movie is about to start in a few minutes, I get a text from D and saying that D and Q decided they were going to go shopping in the mall instead of seeing the movie, since they’d already seen it. Okay, whatever. I was okay. Then, my PARENTS run into them in the mall and all of a sudden realize that I am in a movie theater with a BOY.

Oh, the scandal. (Not really, we’re nothing more than best friends)

So when I get home, I find out that upon meeting my friends in the mall, my parents asked them why they weren’t in the movie as well and they responded that they didn’t want to see the movie since they’d already seen it. Which was half true - if it was me, i would have ignored it and moved on, but my parents hang onto every word.

So now, I’m being yelled at, first, for lying to them about saying we all decided to go when they were told that I wanted to go and my friends didn’t really want to go. Next, I’m being yelled at for not telling them as soon as my friends didn’t show up. Okay seriously, I TRUST MY FRIENDS. I don’t need to inform you of everything that brings me in close proximity to someone of the male species. Blahblahblah, essentially, I’m an irresponsible teenager who is dishonest and can’t tell what it is I’m allowed to do at this age (privileges which do NOT include being able to be within 230498203948203984320948 feet of a member of the male species -.-).

Now, this example of my “irresponsibility” shows that I can’t handle being driven by D to school, especially since when I went to the New Years party I was at I didn’t tell them who was going to be there.

…

SERIOUSLY?!

…

Two sets of parents were there the entire time, everyone that was there I’d either known for twelve thousand years or heard about for the last five thousand years, and nobody else’s parents felt the need to come inquire about the attendance of the party. People we thought wouldn’t be able to make it ended up being able to come because of a change of plans.

NO, I WILL NOT TAKE THE TIME TO INFORM YOU OF EVERYTHING THAT GETS CHANGED FROM WHAT I TELL YOU. IT DOESN’T MATTER, I’M NOT IN ANY DANGER, I’M STILL AROUND PEOPLE I KNOW AND TRUST SO GET THE F*** OVER IT.

At least I let you come into the parties I go to - the kids you think are saints, the ones that you compare me to on a regular basis, are not. They’re out doing things of questionable legality with their friends. Don’t you dare tell me that you think you know them better than I do, you don’t.

This all now comes back to “you are irresponsible, you don’t tell us what is happening, all your friends always tell their parents where they are going and what they are doing, so what is your problem? why should we let you get a ride from her?”

At this point I knew that if I opened my mouth I wouldn’t be able to control my anger at their incorrect assumptions and ignorant stupidity, so I conceded defeat.

In the end… no, I’m not getting a ride from my best friend to school.

It makes me angry when they make me so angry that I can’t even talk to the people who usually make me smile. It makes me feel weak that I have to turn to an inanimate object for comfort. This is what I am reduced to. I hate feeling this weak.

Okay so here it goes. I’m going to use this to just talk my feelings out. Not going to tell anyone that it’s up, not going to tell anyone to follow me, not going to follow anyone. Whoever finds it will find it, and that’s what’s to be.

Sometimes I feel like it’s too much work to be happy all the time, but when I’m not people become concerned. Then when I say what’s on my mind, they write it off and tell me it’s just in my head. There are things I’m insecure about, about myself and I need to get it out knowing that nobody will judge me.

So this is not the me that everyone at school and in the community knows - this isn’t the always laughing, always smiling, always excited person that everyone sees. This is the person that’s hiding inside and has been waiting too long to come out. (No, not “coming out” :P) This is my alter ego, in a sense. Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a Harry Potter fanatic, so this shall be my Magical Me.

“I wish I knew the words to the songs that you know” - Kurt Halsey